What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
