I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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