Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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