Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
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you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
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I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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