Umm I'm too high to move.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
