my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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