genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out mid-signature
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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