I am spending my child support on dildos
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
