Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
