I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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