whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
she told me i tasted like america
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
