They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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