I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
