does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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