We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
