I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Randomize
