whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
