if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We're too hungover to prance.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize