How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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