you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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