Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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