my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
