I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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