These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
