Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
