I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
