you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
