I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
