Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
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The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
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God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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