The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
