I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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