Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
