i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
