Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
