If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
