Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
