do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
