apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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