Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
