There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
