When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
