Please, let me fuck your mom
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
