Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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