Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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