I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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