At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
