I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
