Cold hands, warm shart.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
