We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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