She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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