That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I AM VODKA MAN
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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