a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
