Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
