My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
