Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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