I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
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