I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
