The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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